i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
