Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
