I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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