Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
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i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
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Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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