Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
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