I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
