Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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