I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
