i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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