: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
