You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
