Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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