What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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