Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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