we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
being pregnant is like rehab
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
