Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
