bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
