im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
