I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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