if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
