my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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