My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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