im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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