i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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