if you like me you must not know who I am
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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