turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
