I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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