so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
