hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
