You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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