i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
my shit smells like andre
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
