you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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