What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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