I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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