You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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