Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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