Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
