My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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