i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
