Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
