in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
