I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
