"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
