he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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