I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
