I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
