you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
