Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
