Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
