dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
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It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize