I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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