My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
