You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
