Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
