The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
