she woke up with a sticky ear
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
