I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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