the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize