hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
